


in(complete) memoriam

by sophaerospdf



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: "steven and the cluster have a talk and it's not horrifying at all!!", Horror, Hurt/Comfort, but i promise it's not as bad or angsty as it seems, fun fact: the working title for this doc was, ish
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-20
Updated: 2020-03-20
Packaged: 2021-02-28 23:21:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,348
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23225461
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sophaerospdf/pseuds/sophaerospdf
Summary: Steven and the Cluster have a talk.
Relationships: Crystal Gems & Steven Universe, The Cluster & Steven Universe
Comments: 6
Kudos: 44





	in(complete) memoriam

Steven opens his eyes and the first thing he thinks is,  _ It’s so dark. _

The second thing he thinks is,  _ Oh god, it’s so bright. _

The space stretches endlessly around him, wrapping into and over him, itself, the pockets and masses of fractured light. They stab and jut into the darkness, embedded in nothing. Steven wants to scream. It’s wrong, wrong,  _ wrongwrongwrong.  _ He doesn’t know where he is, but how can he not? He’s been here forever, hasn’t he? He is and isn’t the absence of light. He is and isn’t the sharply broken imitations of it. He’s alone, but he isn’t and never will be again.

_ Steven _

The voice comes out of nowhere, but he swore he felt them taking shape in his mind long before he heard it. It speaks like millions of echoes at once, some skipping like a broken record, some too fast, too slow, all of them too  _ off _ . It squirms and crawls under his skin. He wants to throw up, to cry, but those things are for beings with physical bodies, and he doesn’t have that anymore.

...does he?

_ Steven _

Again, insistent. Steven works his imagined throat uselessly for a moment.

“H-hello?” he chokes out.

_ HiHelloStevenIt’syouHiHelpusHelpusHelpedus _

He staggers, or he feels like he does.

“W-who is this? Where am I?” His voice cracks.

_ It’smeUsYouWebubbledus _

Steven’s eyes widen. “Is this the Cluster?”

_ YesNoIthinksoNonameIhaveanameIdoIdoIdon’tWhoisI _

Steven’s never drowned before, but he imagines falling into a rapid river would feel like this. Overwhelming, disorienting. He can’t tell where he ends and the Cluster begins.

He shakes his head, trying to dislodge the spiral of panic. “Okay, wait, time-out. Why are you guys talking to me? How?”

_ DreamingTalktoyou _

“I’m...dreaming? And you want to talk to me?” Has his voice always sounded so strange? So indistinct?

_ Yes _

“Wait, but how? I know I can enter other people’s dreams, but…”

_ Don’tknow _

He gets the impression of an impatient shrug, and the notion is so out of place he almost laughs. The hysteria bubbles up his throat. He shoves it down.

_ Talktoyou _

Steven huffs. “Okay, okay, I get it.” He’ll puzzle over this when he wakes up  _ (if he wakes up) _ . “What do you want to talk about?”

The silence turns contemplative, pieces of consciousness jostling against each other for complete thought.

_ WhoistheCluster _

Steven winces. “Ah, well, we didn’t really have a name for you? And if you have one at all, you couldn’t tell us. So we just...called you the Cluster. Since…” There’s no tactful end to that sentence.

The silence pauses.

_...hurts _

Steven swallows, his heart beating painfully.

“I know,” he whispers. “I know. I’m sorry.”

_ Huhurthelpedus _

His head is spinning. The space keeps moving, sluggishly, like badly mixed paint. His whole being recoils against the sheer  _ wrongness _ of being here, of  _ here _ existing in the first place.

_ Helpus _

“I’m sorry, I don’t- I don’t understand.” He grits his teeth, tries to find his footing in shaky air.

_ Hurts _

_ Hurts _

_ Hurtshurtshurts _

It reaches and sinks into him, or he sinks into it. Either way, any semblance of air chokes out of his lungs, his vision going black—

A dizzying array of colour, sight and sound and shattered memory in a windfall, he’s falling, gasping his way through countless millennia of turned over fragments of recollection.

_ It hurts, _ the cry of a million voices reaching for the vain hope of salvation.

_ It hurts, _ the last defiant stand before the killing blow.

It hurts in a way that consumes his whole being.

_ Ctirine!  _ someone calls. Someone laughs. It sounds like static and bells. A Ruby jumps into the waiting arms of a Jasper. A Pearl dips a Sapphire in an empty room. Millions of Gems, millions of lives, all clamouring into his mind.

_ Listen to us, _ they say. They wail. He listens to them. He lives them.

The flash of euphoria the instant before fusion. The desperate elation as Homeworld fades into the distance. How many fragments form a Gem? How many splinters of memory form a life?

They drown in it,  _ StevenandtheCluster _ .

Steven fades back into himself, for whatever “himself” is worth in this place. He keens, low and shuddering, and sinks to his knees. Splinters shiver down his mind, overstuffed and empty.

The shard-studded dark cradles him, shifting and scraping against his skin.

_ Steven _

It’s almost gentle.

_ Remember, _ comes the whisper, brushing the edges of his mind. From the inside or the outside of it, he can’t tell anymore, but it’s there.  _ Remember, _ heitthey plead. It hurts.

It hurts.

It hurts.

–

Steven wakes up and it’s dark.

He jolts up and off the bed, falling to the floor in a tangle of limbs and fabric. Loud gasps for air, erratic and ragged, fill the room. It takes him a moment to realise it’s coming from him.

He fumbles his way along the wall, flicking on the light switch. The artificial light that floods his room makes him flinch instinctively back, eyes snapping shut, but he forces them open to see the proof that he’s out of the cloying darkness. The room is blurry with his tears.

Arms, check. Legs, check. Head, check. And gem, check.

Steven slumps against the wall, eyes screwed shut. Fatigue washes over him like a tidal wave, latching onto his bones and his whole being. His head hurts. His heart still beats,  _ thumpthumpthump _ , a frantic rhythm. Hands over the reassuring solidity of his gem, he sits there on the floor of his room. The crying doesn’t stop, tears hitching his unsteady breathing and blurring his vision.

“My name is Steven Universe,” he whispers to himself. “I’m 15 years old. I was born on Earth. I love spending time with Connie, and Garnet, and Pearl, and Amethyst.” He can’t stop shaking. He grips his gem tighter.

The door slams open. He jumps.

“STEVEN!” Pearl shouts.

Steven yelps, jerking away. He snaps to his feet, shield out before he can think.

“We heard some yellin’,” Amethyst cuts in, eyes scanning the room in wary confusion. “And something hitting the floor. You okay, dude?”

“I’m–”  _ I’m fine  _ gets stuck in his throat. It’s such a familiar lie, worn smooth and easy from repetition. But he can’t stop feeling about the echoes that bounce around his head. Every last one of them is tinged with regret, the mournful wail of  _ I should have told them. I shouldn’t have waited. I thought I had time. _

“Steven,” Garnet says, tone as implacable and calm as ever. She steps forward. Steven flinches back involuntarily.

Carefully, moving slow so he can see her movements, Garnet dispels her gauntlets, kneeling down in front of him. She opens her arms, and Steven caves.

His shield dissolves in a shower of sparkles, and he flings himself forward to wrap his arms around her. Garnet’s arms settle around him, hugging him close.

He hears shuffling, and two more sets of arms join the hug. It’s a little awkward, the four of them squished together on the floor, but Steven feels like he’s going to start crying again. For a very different reason this time.

“Hey, you, uh, don’t have to talk about it if you don’t wanna,” Amethyst says hesitantly.

Pearl’s arms tighten around Steven a fraction. “We’re right here if you need us.”

Steven sniffles, burying his face into Garnet’s midsection. He feels, finally, a little more grounded. The reality of being Steven Universe, whole and together, feels more believable.

“I love you guys,” he mumbles.

“We love you too,” Garnet says, fond. Pearl and Amethyst echo in almost the same breath, just as endlessly, fiercely loving.

He feels himself relax, eyes sliding shut. “I’ll tell you wha’ happen’d in the m’rning,” he promises, exhaustion finally coming to tug him down.

Drifting steadily off into unconsciousness, he barely registers Garnet standing up, carrying him into bed. A cool hand brushes his hair back, tucking him into bed.

“Goodnight, Steven,” he hears Pearl whisper.

The edge of the bed sinks as a weight settles onto it. “Night, Steve-o,” Amethyst grins.

“Goodnight, Steven.”

In his room, safe and surrounded by his family, Steven falls asleep.

**Author's Note:**

> steven: (unrolls a comically long piece of paper titled “traumatic experiences” and adds another item to the bottom)
> 
> –
> 
> i wrote most of this in one shot at like 11pm oops
> 
> thanks for reading!!


End file.
